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A little lost

So, I’m at a really weird spot in my life right now. I’m in college for a degree that I’m actually excited to pursue, but at the same time I have no idea what I’m going to do with it. I’m good at writing, but at the same time I keep second-guessing my skills. I’m okay enough at it to have won two awards, but what if that doesn’t mean anything to a job? I guess I’m just a little lost when it comes to the future. My parents keep telling me that I don’t have to worry about that yet. They tell me to just worry about being a teenage for a little bit longer. In reality, I only have a few months left of being a teenager at all. 20 is coming up rather quickly. In 5 short months, I will be in my second decade of life. It sounds rather cliche as I’m writing it out. Maybe they’re right. Maybe I just need to slow down. It’s just really hard to slow down when the days move so damn fast. I know these posts have continuously been short. I seem to be better at writing articles than blog posts.
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I have a jealousy problem

I have a jealousy problem. Damn that is hard to say. It really is. I get jealous of those that seem to be more successful than me. I know it's stupid. I shouldn't be jealous of anyone, but I am and I hate it. Let me give an example. I have a few friends with blogs. They write well, and they have the viewership to show it. I am jealous that they have a viewer base, and are successful writers. I know I could be as successful as them if I tried. My own insecurities get in the way, and then I get jealous. I am by no means unsuccessful in my life. I am an award winning student journalist, but I feel as if that feat is minuscule compared to my friends' accomplishments. It's easy to point out your own flaws. Hopefully the next post will be happier. Thanks for reading, Bee
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Facing the fear of vulnerability

I was doing a bit of thinking and reflecting this evening. Being home for the summer got me thinking about how difficult this school year was for me emotionally. That being said, I am not depressed (currently); however, I really did struggle learning how to be vulnerable again. In high school, I forced myself to shut down whenever I felt emotional. High school was a hell that I thought I was never going to be able to leave, and because of that, I only let one person in. Once I got to college everything changed. I now had a group of friends that knew me inside and out, i had a team of editors that I could talk to, and I had the freedom to show who I was. These things surprisingly made it harder for me to feel vulnerable. I know it seems silly, but I had the need to protect those around me rather than be the one being protected. I mothered my friends and pressed and pressed to get them to feel safe and happy. Instead of helping, I pushed them and made them frustrated with me. The only
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Location: Mississippi, USA
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A bit of a life update

Hello hello!! I know it's been a little while since I have posted on this blog. I had other things in my life that I had to worry about, and I know that is a bit of a sorry excuse. If you're curious about what was going on, here's an update on what has happened. 1. I finished my first year of college. I had a lot to worry about with the newspaper, friends, exams, and other things. Unfortunately my YouTube channel and blog got neglected because of it.   Newspaper took over my life. During the semester, I put my all into my school newspaper because I wanted to leave for the year feeling confident in my writing abilities. I actually won two awards because of my hard work.  My boyfriend and I separated. I was no longer happy in the relationship; however, we remain close as friends. He is now home in Ohio for the summer, and I am here in MS.  I am currently in the process of getting a job. I have a few things that I need to purchase for upcoming school years. Because of t
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The Realities of Birthdays

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For a few years now, my birthday has been a rather stressful time for me. My grandfather's birthday is the day after mine. That was always really exciting for me because we would celebrate together. He died five years ago. Since then, I can't see my birthday in the same way. It's hard to have a birthday the day before a dead dead relative. I didn't know how to handle it for a long time. Now that I've grown up a bit I understand that Him being dead isn't a burden to my birthday.. It would be the same no matter what the day would be. Both in death and in life he taught me a lot.  My grandfather is one of my heroes. I grieve a little less every day. I miss him a little more every day. I am a little stronger every day.  Happy birthday Papa.
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The Stresses of College

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Soooo...... This week took a weird turn around Wednesday. Instead of going about my day as normal, I had a bit of a freak out. Why? Well.... It's because of my good friend Brad. He and I were having a conversation in our Philosophy class about how our classes were going, and instead of just talking about our teachers and other students, we started talking about our hour counts. This is where it went down hill. I told Brad that I have around 58 hours on my record due to my duel-enrollment classes in high school. He immediately looked shocked. I had no idea why. He told me that the max hour count you could have to transfer was 62 hours. I immediately freaked out. I didn't want to graduate early, nor did I want to even think about leaving Jones. I started panicking. Instead of thinking about the situation rationally, I called my mother freaking out. She told me that it wasn't a big deal, but her words did nothing but anger me. I hung up the phone frustrated and stres
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Hello Hello Hello!!!

Hi there. If you've found this blog through my YouTube channel, Welcome!!! If you've happened on this blog by chance (or by fate perhaps), hello! This blog has a purpose. I know because of comments from friends, family and random people on the internet that I think a little differently compared to most. This is the place where I want to share the strange and long-winded thoughts I have every day. My blog is not necessarily going to always be a happy go lucky place. In my life, I've dealt with my fair share of embarrassing, painful, sad and scary times. I want to tell the stories of those times. I want my "hardships" to help others make their path. I know that most are going to be extremely confused by what I write. I'm confused by what I write. That's the point. I've found in my eighteen years that you don't have to understand everything. I'm still learning that. I really hope that you enjoy this space. It's gonna be weird. It'
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