Facing the fear of vulnerability

I was doing a bit of thinking and reflecting this evening. Being home for the summer got me thinking about how difficult this school year was for me emotionally. That being said, I am not depressed (currently); however, I really did struggle learning how to be vulnerable again.
In high school, I forced myself to shut down whenever I felt emotional. High school was a hell that I thought I was never going to be able to leave, and because of that, I only let one person in.
Once I got to college everything changed. I now had a group of friends that knew me inside and out, i had a team of editors that I could talk to, and I had the freedom to show who I was. These things surprisingly made it harder for me to feel vulnerable.
I know it seems silly, but I had the need to protect those around me rather than be the one being protected. I mothered my friends and pressed and pressed to get them to feel safe and happy. Instead of helping, I pushed them and made them frustrated with me. The only problem is, I didn't see that they were frustrated. It wasn't until one of my friends had an intervention with me that I saw what was happening.
I honestly don't know how to talk to my friends about what I feel. Throughout high school, I got so used to keeping it all in. Now I don't know how to get it out. I think I am afraid of getting it out.
 As I am writing this I am shaking a little. The thought of being at home all summer without my friends scares me a little. I am afraid of going back to being the defensive, frustrated, and closed up individual I was at the start of the school year.
I don't know if this makes any sense. All I can do is hope for the best.

Thanks for reading,
Bee
Location: Mississippi, USA

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